Note: Today I realized I had named this "The camera doesn't like..." instead of "The camera doesn't lie..." as intended. Freudian slip? I just fixed it.

I have been driven to tears by photos. You probably remember my misery about my race photos (back when I was able to do races). A couple of recent ones triggered an " " moment, because I tend to carry extra weight in my chin and I'm starting to see what I think are signs that I will develop the dreaded Turkey Neck (the horror). In other photos, I find other body parts to pick on: Arms are always a perennial favorite.  Belly. Thighs.  The usual suspects.

I had a couple of pictures taken today that I actually really love, because they're with my brand-new nephew. Yes, you can see some smile crinkles here, but I am feeling really happy to know that both he and my sister are doing well, and that I'm an auntie again.  The other stuff doesn't seem that important.

I'm not going to say that I will never have another photophobic moment, but it sure would be nice.

The U.S. news media is obsessed with momentum in election seasons. The Republican primary headlines are all about momentum. First, it was Mitt Romney, who was "inevitable." Then, it was all about Rick Perry, who was the favorite for about 5 minutes until he opened his mouth. Then it was Herman Cain, who self-destructed shortly after everyone started paying attention to him. Then Newt Gingrich, until everyone remembered why they didn't like him before. Now it's Rick Santorum, who supposedly has some sort of sweater-vest-fueled momentum right now.

 Momentum is looking at the last two points in a performance graph and projecting that the trajectory will continue in the current direction. Of course, it's just as likely that supposed momentum will flatten out or reverse itself. Maybe even more likely. Statisticians will tell you that the trend is "regression to the norm." What goes up, must come down, etc., etc.

 I think it's easy to fall into the momentum trap when trying to lose weight. In my Weight Watchers days, I was always freaked out if the scaled didn't go down one week, because it "wasn't working," and also because it would usually elicit some feedback from the weigher or leader that I perceived as negative. Jen's post today reminded me of my first experience with Weight Watchers. I hit goal pretty quickly -- lost 20 pounds in 16 weeks -- and then made Lifetime. As soon as I had my Lifetime charm, though, things fell apart. I relaxed and then had a bad weigh-in the next week. I went to extreme measures to make sure I would be at goal the next week, but of course I couldn't keep that up.  The yo-yo cycle continued, with an upward trend, until I quit.  Then I had several years of rejoining and quitting without ever making goal again, always feeling like I had failed.

 It's easy to get too excited about positive trends, too, and think they will continue effortlessly. I had two great weeks at the beginning of this year, and thought I would quickly lose the weight and be back in skinny jeans in no time flat.  That's just not how it works, is it? I got lazy with tracking.  I busy with work and stress-ate. I got sick and couldn't exercise. I'm still at 3 pounds down from the beginning of the year, and that's progress, but it's certainly not fast progress. It's not momentum.

I realize that I have to give up the idea of momentum and focus on the current day.  The plan I was doing worked, when I did it. When I stop doing it or can't do it because if illness, it doesn't work. That doesn't mean it's time to freak out.  What kinds of healthy choices can I make right now that will gradually move me toward my goal?  I feel like I have to keep relearning this simple truth: It's what I do today that matters.   

I have been thinking a lot about Vickie's post about buying clothes while trying to lose weight. The thing that really hit home to me was the difference between her bra shopping post and mine (#1 and #2). I actually just bought two more bras online at Macy's because they were on clearance -- and after {intimacy} prices, getting 2 bras for less than $60 seemed like a deal. I haven't tried them on yet, but if they don't fit right or I don't love them on, they're going back. (More on clearance "buys" later.)

I actually feel like I have more bras than regular clothes. I am a lot happier with the way my bras are fitting than the way the rest of my wardrobe is working. I have a lot of clothes, in theory, but I find myself wearing the same things all of the time. There are still certain "problem areas" I'm struggling with and a lot of my clothes don't seem to work. I'm self-conscious in them because of my muffin top, or because the buttons pull, or for some other stupid reason.  I have some shaping camis that help a little, but I'm still just annoyed with my body right now.  I have enough clothes to "get by" but not a lot that I feel great in.

Megan's post on clothing "capsules" really makes me think that once I lose this weight (if I ever do, I've been working on re-losing it for 6+ years now), I will want to be more systematic about what I buy instead of just buying whatever off the clearance rack because it seems like a good deal. It never works, does it?  But I tell myself I shouldn't spend too much money on cute clothes now because

I am not sure why I have such a different attitude about bras. When it comes to regular clothes, I'm on Vickie's bandwagon about not spending too much but when it comes to regular clothes, I keep buying cheap t-shirts and sweaters that I end up hating but feeling too guilty to get rid of because I'd have to admit I wasted money. It probably has to do with the fact that I had a personal shopper help me pick out the bras and I picked my clothes out alone. I have a few items that an Ann Taylor salesperson helped me pick out a few years ago that I wear over and over.  And I have a blue wrap dress that I bought full price (with a coupon) because I loved it and the salesperson told me I looked great in it. Whenever I wear that, I feel great.  Having a salesperson see me in something and tell me I look great in it, even if she's lying, seems to be the magical element.

The more I think about it, the clearance rack stuff is bound to be unflattering and ugly -- that's why no one bought it full-price.  Especially considering that some stores only stock one or two 12s and 14s (why, I don't know) the clearance stuff is really the dregs.

So the question -- to buy or not to buy? I think if I do buy, I have to buy genuinely cute stuff. No more clearance-rack-sort-of-okay-make-do-because-I-don't-deserve-better.From now on, I have to love it, or leave it.

Like a lot of other weight-loss bloggers, I talk about "healthy" a lot. I don't think that I reflect very often on what being healthy really means to me. Sometimes I'm using it as a synonym for "fit," or even "thin." Other times, I'm using it as a bit of a cop-out, as in "I may be a little heavier than I should be, but I'm healthy."

I'm not feeling too healthy right now, and I haven't since Thursday night. I was so tired when I was teaching my class that I felt a little confused and disoriented. I was really scared, to be honest. Dr. Google did not help: I was convinced I had early-onset dementia, or seizures, or some weird form of narcolepsy, or, to quote my husband, I was going to "end up in the cookie house." That sounded delicious, but I was also worried that I might be losing my mind. It was a bit of a relief to wake up with cold symptoms and realize that my extreme exhaustion was probably just the start of a nasty bug.  My other symptoms: Stuffy head, congestion, fatigue, plugged ears, dizziness. I called the doctor on Friday and she had the nurse call back with, "Rest, fluids, and take medications for your symptoms." I called back today since I was still feeling lousy, and saw the doctor in person and she said, "Rest, fluids, and take medications for your symptoms. Seriously, take it easy."  Because I teach, I can't really miss class. I am going to have a fun night tomorrow.

Here are the kind of things I take for granted on a normal day that I cannot currently do:

• Breathe deeply and completely through my nose without starting to cough
• Carry laundry up the stairs without feeling exhausted
• Exercise (carrying laundry up the stairs is exercise to me right now)
• Work for more than a few hours at a time
• Wear my contact lenses for more than a few hours

Note: Though the BlogHer Book Club will be reading this title in March, I wasn't selected as a reviewer.  I decided to review the book, which I bought myself, anyway.


I heard an interview with John Green, the author of , on NPR. The phrase that hooked me and made me want to read this book was "The truth is that teenagers are teenagers, whether they're sick or well." I had to read this book after that, a love story between two "star-crossed" lovers who have cancer.  The book manages to escape all of the traps of a "cancer book," including the fear that keeps many people from picking up a book like this, the idea that it will just be depressing.  I found it surprisingly hopeful, even as I was crying my eyes out.

The title of the book comes from a Shakespeare quote. Hazel, the narrator, is a literary and shy sixteen-year-old who has terminal thyroid cancer that has spread to her lungs. She is on a fictional cancer drug that has bought her some extra time even though it cannot save her life. Hazel meets Augustus, a "hot" fellow cancer patient with a razor-sharp sense of humor and an age-appropriately grandiose sense of self.

I love how the kids in this book are kids. They aren't falsely heroic and they don't want to be "inspirational." Unlike most of us, they are acutely aware of their mortality and search for meaning in the face of it, while also indulging in a bit of dark humor about "cancer perks" and their incredible tolerance for drugs.

I love this book so much that I want to erase it from my memory so I can read it again for the first time. Short of that, I want to encourage every other person I know to read it.  , but I listened to it as an audiobook, which I think added a lot to my experience.  The voice of narrator Kate Rudd perfectly evokes a smart, scared girl falling in love.

I am guessing this will be made into a movie. In the meantime, here is a great little trailer to tease your interest.

I was procrastinating the other day and decided to do a Google search on my own name, just to see what came up. The last time I had done this was a few years ago when I was in the middle of my job search, just to make sure there was nothing potentially embarrassing that I might have to explain to employers.  It allowed me not to be surprised when one of the interviewers said, "You had some pretty good triathlon times!"  

Note: The link included for newsletter signup is an affiliate link. If you're interested in checking out App Smitten and you want to support the blog, please check it out.


I love my iPhone, not because it's great for making calls (it's not), but because having it means I'm always carrying around a great digital camera, personal communication system, music player, navigation system, and best of all, a computer with some amazing apps. I use apps to help me track my weight (LoseIt! and FatWatcher), apps to help me with my workouts (Ease into 5K, iMapmyFitness), and even to entertain my 3-year old nephew (Sirens! is his current favorite, but he also likes Talking Tom Cat). One of my favorite things is to share a new app with friends (Did you know that MapQuest for the iPhone gives turn-by-turn directions?).  It's great to find a new app that can make my life easier or more fun, so I just signed up for appSmitten, a service that reviews apps for iPhone, iPad, and Android and delivers lists to your inbox. You can choose "daily," "weekly," or "no thanks" for each of the three systems. It's a simple, free signup.

You can also check out the site's existing lists for different categories of apps, a "you show me yours" section where bloggers share their favorites, and an "overheard" section that tells us what people like Oprah and the Sex and the City characters have (or would have) on their devices. It's a fun site to explore, and if you find something you like, you can instantly see which platforms it is for and how much it costs, and click right through to download.

So, any favorite app recommendations?  I've already given you a few of mine.

Not the women themselves, but the phrase "real women," especially in regard to women's bodies.  The fact is, someone like Adele should not have to either defend herself against snarky "fat" comments or be held up as "inspirational." Her body would be perfectly unremarkable if she was walking down any street in America.

Besides, I hear a clock ticking as soon as I hear someone declared the latest "Real woman, real body role model." How long before she becomes the next spokeswoman for Weight Watchers?  It seems that as soon as someone gets attention for not fitting the cookie-cutter fashion mold, she has to be "fixed" as soon as possible before we get any ideas that it's okay to be the size we are.

I'm not holding my breath for the messages to change in the media.  Someone decided that this kind of body anguish sells a lot of products. If it stopped working, they might stop doing it.  There are a few places, like {intimacy}, that seem to get that making us feel better, not worse, might get us to spend more money.  They can afford to send the message that the clothes should fit us, not the other way around, because they charge a premium for that service.  Finances aside, I'd like to see that message catch on.

In the meantime, I really don't care that much about finding real body role models.  My body is going to look like itself, and any change that happens is going to be the result of making changes to my inputs and outputs, not finding someone's picture to hang on my wall.  If I have to pick, though, I'll take the nameless woman in this fake Nike ad.

Note: , and this is the essay she asked for as one of her "entry" options. I also thought that a post on the role of self-love in my life would be appropriate for Valentine's Day. 


I hear a lot of voices in my head about self-esteem.

There is the voice of my past, the voice that tells me I have to earn my self-esteem, and that it's not ever okay to stop trying to win other people's love and respect, but it's also not okay to brag or show off.  I think that message was unintentionally transmitted, but it still sunk in.

There is the sweeping "You Go Girl!" message that seems to be everywhere lately, that tells me I should always love myself, every minute, just for being me!!! It feels annoying and insincere. I want to honor and acknowledge all of my feelings, even those that tell me I have fallen short (if I really have). I don't want to be comforted for every passing feeling.  I don't want a ninth-place ribbon.  I want to learn from my mistakes and move forward. Even the cheeriest person on earth has her moments of self-doubt, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

At the same time, I read Vickie's post about The Dreadful PJs with horror.  I cringe at the post she linked from Munchberry's blog where Munchberry calls herself "oinkette." I don't agree with weight-loss tips that say you should post "fat" pictures on your fridge or buy a cookie jar that oinks when you open it.  Those tips may work for people with stronger self-images than me, but I know that if I talk to myself that way, I will believe it and treat myself accordingly.  Bring on the jumbo-sized bags of tortilla chips, and don't forget the queso! If I'm fat and ugly, I might as well eat.


I think the key is not trying to use rah-rah self-talk to bring me to a mushy love affair with me or harsh self-criticism designed to whip me into shape.  Karen put it beautifully in her post about lovingly parenting herself. "I am still proud of myself, and I also see that there is room for improvement." Her experience at Green Mountain Fox Run sounds like the perfect tutorial on self-care:

While there all my meals were prepared for me using wonderful whole foods that I love (I filled out a form and checked off foods I don’t like and if the chefs planned a meal with those foods, they prepared something special for me so I wasn’t forced to choose between eat food I don’t like or going hungry), and all meals were balanced according to sound nutritional guidelines. The food was delicious, filling, and satisfying in every way.
I ate every meal at a table with up to three other women. I ate at set times: breakfast at 8 a.m., lunch at noon, snack time at 3:30 p.m., and dinner at 6 p.m. There was an hour set aside for each meal (and half an hour for a snack), so the schedule had a little wiggle room. If I showed up 15 minutes after the meal had begun, that was fine.

There was also healthy, fun activity included as part of the process., all in a beautiful environment.  I would love to win the trip to practice that kind of self-care.  I already have an idea of how a person with a healthy body image would feel and act, but I'd love a little head start.

For today, I'm going to wear my pretty red bra and try to live the way a confident, happy me would act. Have a happy day and be good to yourself.

My first weigh-in was January 2, which was about 42 days ago, if I'm counting correctly. I checked weight, body fat percentage, body fat weight, and measurements.

As far as weight loss alone goes, the results are not spectacular. I lost 2.6 pounds. According to my body fat scale, though, I have lost 2.9 pounds of fat. I know these scales are not 100% accurate, but this at least suggests that I am holding on well to my lean mass as I lose. My body fat percentage, while still too high, dropped one percentage point.

Measuring myself has similar potential for accuracy issues. I might have pulled the tape tighter or measured in a slightly different place this time. To eliminate some potential for bias, I did not look at my original measurements until after I wrote down today's. I also measured twice in each spot and took the average. My measurements suggest that I lost 1.5" in my waist, 0.5" in my thigh, 2" in my hips, 1.5" in my bust, and added 0.5" in my upper arm. These numbers do make sense to me (except maybe the arm) because I am fitting into smaller clothes again.

I am going to weigh myself again tomorrow to see if I just overdid the salt yesterday. I really had wanted that 5-pound loss for Valentine's day. No matter what the scale says, though, things seem to be moving in the right direction.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My mini-goal was to be 5 pounds down by Valentine's Day. I'm at not-quite-4 as of yesterday. I will be weighing in again on Monday and updating my measurements, which I should have done this Monday but forgot.

I am really happy to be losing weight again after watching my weight creep up in the last couple of months. One major reason is that I had been going to physical therapy instead of working out, and that definitely made a difference. Also, despite the claim that exercise makes people hungrier and just results in more eating, I think exercise relieves a lot of stress for me and that heads off some of the stress eating.  This is why I like intense exercise so much -- it burns off a lot of nervous energy.  I have been doing Spinning three or four times a week since I can't run yet.

I haven't cut my calories back that much yet, so I am feeling pleased with the slow-but-steady weight loss I have been having.  Those few pounds have already made a difference, in my confidence, at least.  I see a lot more definition in my waist and am fitting back into my size 12 dress slacks again. My shopping trip last Saturday also did a lot for my confidence.  I really find that when I feel good about myself, it's a lot easier to stick to my health goals.

Besides, it's fun.  I like the food I'm eating and the workouts I'm doing.  I really want to live like this forever.  Hitting a weight goal isn't going to change that.

When I first read Yoni Freedhoff's Weighty Matters post on dietary elitism, I agreed wholeheartedly with the conclusion that if someone had written in asking for "simple, light" recipes, the ingredients list would be intimidating:

Beet greens, Swiss chard, chickpeas, Lundberg Black Japonica Rice, edamame, soaked red lentils, dark sesame oil, walnut oil, pinenuts, lightly toasted cumin seeds, Aleppo pepper, fennel, nigella seeds, and peeled kohlrabi

But the article referenced was not an advice column, it was The New York Times's "Recipes for Health" column, and foodie readers would have probably been more put off than pleased if they had seen a recipe for a plain chicken sandwich.  If they are already familiar with the ingredients listed above (I have heard of most of them, just not the nigella seeds) then they would relieved to know that healthy eating didn't have to be dull, that they could still indulge their creativity in the kitchen while cutting calories.

There are plenty of healthy recipes available that really are simple. Do a quck search for "healthy ___ recipe" with whatever you want in the blank, and I guarantee you will find dozens. Even those who do not use the Internet can subscribe to Weight Watchers Magazine, Cooking Light, Prevention, Men's Health, and dozens of other publications that offer healthy and simple recipes.

The recent flap over Paula Deen also inspired mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, I giggled at (and retweeted) Anthony Bourdain's tweet about "Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later" but I don't agree with his assessment that she is somehow "dangerous." Paula Deen's show was over-the-top, crazy food, but she was an object lesson of what kind of body a person who ate that food would have.  At least she was honest. (Whenever I watch Giada's show, I am convinced that the bite she eats on camera is her entire food budget for the day.)  I wasn't a regular viewer, but when I watched Paula Deen's show, I never wanted to actually make the food she was cooking, I just got sort of a weird thrill watching someone cook with such crazy abandon.  It didn't look appetizing, but she did seem to be having fun.  Anyone who is cooking the food she made would have found other outlets for fatty food if she wasn't there.  That's why I disagree with Russ and Jeff's assessment that she should become a "healthy role model" like The Galloping Gourmet, making lightened up versions of her crazy recipes.  If Paula Deen made a version of her Lady's Brunch Burger with a baked donut, broiled chicken breast, lowfat mayo, and Eggbeaters, it would just be pathetic and sad, not inspiring.

People who want healthy role models have plenty of examples all ready, and there are tons of healthy recipes available too (see above).  Having one more recipe for lowfat macaroni and cheese and one more formerly fat celebrity is not going to make the difference.

The only thing that makes the difference, for each of us, is figuring out how to fit healthier habits into our own unique lives. It's as simple (and difficult) as that.

Weigh in showed a small gain, rather than the loss I expected. My clothes feel looser and I feel like I have lost.

Here's a graph of my weight over the last month:



Here's a graph of my body fat weight, as estimated by my Tanita body fat scale. The black diamonds represent weigh-ins on both graphs. The green dotted line represents the trend line I'd need to reach my goals, the other dotted line represents the actual trend line of my losses:




I'm using an app called Fat Watch to track my weight and body fat and these graphs are images from the app.

I am happy about these images because they suggest I'm losing body fat, not lean mass or water weight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Note: This is a completely unsolicited, uncompensated post. I just went to the store as a normal customer, and since I'm not really normal, decided to blog about my experience.

My first {intimacy} bra fitting was back in October of 2010. Since then, I have put on a few pounds and also have done some shopping in some "normal" stores. Even if the stores  have the sizes that I need, the salespeople eye me strangely and ask, "Who told you you wore a 32?"

I knew there was an {intimacy} store in the Somerset Collection, a chichi shopping center in Troy, Michigan.  Even though I live in Ohio, I am right on the border and the store is only about an hour and a half away.  I got a coupon in the mail a few days ago offering me a discount on a bra to come back. Yesterday I was home alone and had just finished crying my eyes out over  when the phone rang.  It was Katherine, an associate from {intimacy} asking me if she could send me anything. I impulsively decided to take the drive to the store. It was a beautiful day for a drive, and I was in a "seize the day" kind of mood.  I made an appointment for a fitting. I had just enough time to shower, put on nice clothes (including one of the bras I bought on my last {intimacy} trip) and find a parking space before I was due at the store.

The experience was very similar to the last time.  It was all very friendly and comfortable. Katherine chose bras for me to try based on my shape and seeing how my current bra fit, not on a tape measure.  She made me feel like I looked great in everything.  Some things didn't fit, but she just brought me a different size. Depending on the bra and even the fabric, I wore between a 32 and a 34 in a band and a F to an H in cup size. I bought four bras and three panties and had to forcibly resist buying some very cute things, like a blue-and-white plaid set.  Here is what I did buy:



Does buying the right bra really make a difference? I will let you be the judge. If I posted photos without the t-shirt, the difference would be more pronounced, but I'm not that kind of girl:

In a 36DD, the size most department store fitters want me to wear.

In a 32F from {intimacy}

I feel like I can stand up straighter when I'm wearing the right bra.  My credit cards took a little bit of a beating, but with my previous purchases still holding up nicely (I always handwash using to protect my investment) I have a nice wardrobe, at least for under my clothes.  If only I could find a pair of jeans that made me feel this good....

I really like Monica Reinagel's Nutrition Diva Podcast.  In "How to Lose Weight Without Dieting," the lovely Nutrition Diva gives this smart strategy for weight loss:

Let’s say that you have 10, 20, or maybe even 50 pounds to lose. I want you to forget for a moment about how you’re going to lose that weight. Instead, I want you to picture yourself at your goal weight and shape. Really picture it!  And now I want you to think very seriously and specifically about what sort of habits and lifestyle someone who spends their life in that kind of body would have....Can you picture that trim, healthy person? Can you imagine what a typical day looks like? Can you see what’s on the dinner plate or in the kitchen cupboards? Good.  Because that’s what I want you to start choosing right now. That’s right. We’re going to skip the dieting phase entirely and go right to the eating well and feeling fabulous part. Because the very same things that you’d need to do to maintain that healthy weight are the things you need to do to get there in the first place. 

Photo by

In my post yesterday on body image, I said that you can't just decide to have a healthy body image. But, riffing on the advice above, I wonder if it's possible to "fake it till you make it."

Can you picture that confident, self-assured woman? Can you imagine what a typical day looks like for someone with a healthy body image? Can you see what she wears, how she talks to herself, how she presents herself to others? Good.  Because that’s what I want you to start choosing right now. That’s right. We’re going to skip the self-improvement phase entirely and go right to the feeling fabulous part. Because the very same things that you’d need to do to maintain that healthy body image are the things you need to do to get there in the first place. 

It's worth a shot. I think actions, not words or thoughts, are what really shape our self-image.