I haven't posted anything about my weight in a long time, and we know in fitness-blogger-land that this is because everything is great and I'm one pound away from my goal weight, right?

(pause for sad, knowing laughter)

Yeah. My weight is up since taking that not-too-exciting-but-pays-the-bills corporate job, and I was overweight before.  It's distressing. I'm not sure how long it will take to lose this weight but I won't give up until I've done it.

Something I did give up on is Weight Watchers. It worked well for me in 2002, but each new iteration of the plan got harder for me to follow. This last one was almost impossible. I know they are trying to compete with dramatic weight-loss programs, but it's a shame that such a sensible, supportive program got lost in the attempt to promise quick results.

For now I'm going to start with logging food on Lose It! and making small changes. Even today, on Christmas, because all I want this year is to feel more comfortable in my skin (and clothes).

Spoiler alert: I had a good experience with the products so I decided to become a Rodan + Fields consultant. All links are to my consultant page, http://jensader.myrandf.com, so if you purchase from that page I will earn a commission (U.S. and Canada only, though Australia is coming soon). The opinions described here are my honest opinions. 

My hair stylist does magic with my hair, so when she got interested in Rodan + Fields and became a consultant, I got interested. The first time we talked, I said no, it's too expensive. She didn't push. It planted a seed, though, and when I started seeing her Facebook posts with the before and after pictures, I thought about it some more. I see her every five weeks for color touchups, so the next time, I asked some questions. She recommended the Reverse regimen, since with all of my triathlon workouts outdoors, I had some brown spots from the sun. I had wanted to try Redefine, the anti-aging regimen, but she explained they were all anti-aging, and that Reverse would give me a nice fresh start. When she told me about the 60-day empty-bottle guarantee, I decided to try it as a birthday present to myself.

Once I placed the order, I couldn't wait to get my regimen. Following the directions on the box, I took a "before" photo.

If you didn't guess from my long silence, I was going through a tough time for a while there. It started a little before the election, and then the unexpected and (to me) horrible outcome really threw me for a loop.

Being a contingent worker for more than a year was really getting to me. I had a couple of glimmers of hope, and then big disappointments, and that didn't help much. I got a bit of tunnel vision and felt like if this part of my life wasn't right, everything was wrong.

Besides, everyone else seemed to be having a rough year too.

What has changed? I'm not really sure, to be honest. I did a lot of little things. I started working more on self-care. I feel more hopeful. I found my Happy Light, which had been packed with the Christmas things. I worked on giving myself a break.

I'm still searching for a full-time job, but I decided to start a couple of businesses. My business is still getting off the ground -- I am doing some social media marketing and some workshops.

I also started a new skincare regimen, and have had good results with the Rodan + Fields Reverse line. I'll be posting my before and after pics once I have a full month in. My skin feels softer and looks brighter. It's still not perfect, but I can see big improvements in the sun damage I get from spending so much time outdoors. I want to try the Redefine regimen next, which is the anti-aging line. I like the brand so much, I decided to try being a consultant.

Not having all my eggs in the job search basket has improved my outlook a lot. Something is going to work out, I just know it.

 I'm sure you have seen stuff like this on your Facebook feed. A friend of mine posted it in a group and suggested we all try it and post our results for accountability. I thought about it for a minute and...

No.

I already don't drink soda. Check. I could work on my water consumption, sure. Good thing to do and I wouldn't mind that.

I already work out for 30-45 minutes most days.

The plank, maybe.

The squats are a "." I work in a very conservative, straight-laced place. Doing squats in the bathroom would make me look like a total weirdo. Doing them at my desk even more so. If I'm drinking more water I'm going to be going to the bathroom a lot. And 25 squats 10 times a day, at least? It would be hard to do them with decent form and not seem like I was spending my whole day in the bathroom bouncing around like a crazy person.

Besides that, I don't need a whole pile of things to add to my to-do list. I feel like I have enough things on my Have-to-Do list and not enough on my Want-to-Do list already. I don't need accountability in my life right now, I need support and camaraderie and fun. I already feel way too accountable to everyone but me.

I did start a Monday night weightlifting group -- not for accountability but to make weightlifting fun so I would actually do it. I like group workouts, they're fun. I don't respond well to feeling like I have other people checking up on me, but if I can make something intrinsically rewarding, I'll do it.

If you're looking for something for your want-to-do list, a new season of Elizabeth Gilbert's Magic Lessons Podcast started up a few weeks ago, and it's great. If you haven't listened to Season One, you have a lot of great material waiting for you. She recommended putting things on your Not-to-Do list in a recent episode.

I'm hoping that soon I'll be in a little better place and will be posting here more often. I miss writing for this blog, but a lot of what has been going on has been the kind of stuff that takes up headspace but is not really shareable. Feel free to send any prayers, incantations, or positive thoughts my way.

via GIPHY

Hopefully it will get better soon.


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In March, I gave my first (and so far only) TED talk at TEDx WayPublicLibrary. 

It has been really hard going through all of this. I don't say that as an excuse -- I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to hold my healthy habits together better than I did. I still am hoping to find better, more satisfying work, preferably in an environment that is more conducive to my mental and physical health. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to make changes where I can.

Me on the left, with two of my awesome tri friends.

It's not like everything has been failure. I did some of the most challenging races of my life in this two years.  Last Saturday, I did my first century bike ride -- 100 miles in one day. I have some great friends and family members who have been really supportive through all of this. It has just been hard, and I feel like I have been hiding from the truth, so here it is. I am hoping that posting this will help someone, maybe even me.

This year's Fitbloggin' was a different kind of conference than the three previous ones I attended. In the past, the focus was definitely on the quirky, accepting community that started with the first conferences in Baltimore, and continued as the convention moved on to Portland, Savannah, and Denver.

Drag shows don't make for great photos...

This pic does not do the epic Streisand costume justice

This year's Fitbloggin' was a different kind of conference than the three previous ones I attended. In the past, the focus was definitely on the quirky, accepting community that started with the first conferences in Baltimore, and continued as the convention moved on to Portland, Savannah, and Denver.

Drag shows don't make for great photos...

This pic does not do the epic Streisand costume justice

Luckily, the weather cooperated, and this time we did not have to race with soaked gear. There was heavy cloud cover but no rain or thunder. Just like in Grand Rapids, I wore my Team Endurance Fusion kit and my Biscay Green ENELL This time, instead of an Olympic Distance Aquabike, I did a sprint triathlon.

With my teammate Michele

I have been doing a lot of swim training, an adequate (barely) amount of bike training and very little run training. I wasn't taking this race very seriously -- I was thinking of it more as a timed workout than as a real race.

These steps are killer!

I killed it on the swim, coming out of the water in just a few seconds over 10 minutes, though my official time includes the run up from the beach. I finished in the top half of the field for the swim.

I did pretty well on the bike, especially considering the wind, and finished just behind the middle of the pack.

Then there was the run. My feet were cramping as I got off the bike and my legs felt tight. I think this is a consequence of doing a midweek race after a day at a desk job where I spend a lot of time sitting. I was having a very hard time because my legs felt stiff and painful. I was toughing it out the best I could until the last half mile, where I must have hyperextended my knee on a downhill -- I felt something pop and was in a lot of pain. I hobbled in the best I could, convinced I had ruined my season. Not surprisingly, I was in the very back of the pack when I finished. It was a sad end to what had started out a fun evening.




After a few days of resting and recuperating, I think it's going to be okay, though I'm going to have to take it easy at first. I don't think I'm out for the season like I feared. I'm proud of myself for finishing despite the challenges.

This look says it all: Pain and determination

Finish line

With my teammates Megan, Michele, and Rebecca

Added my pretty new medal to the collection

It's coming up on one year since I made my leap from my academic faculty position to the corporate world. It hasn't turned out like I had hoped so far.

When I took a job as a contractor, it was with the belief that it wouldn't take me long to find something more permanent in the company, or somewhere even better. I was sure I'd land an important position with a big salary and prove myself right for leaving a position that I once loved, but was starting to change in unacceptable ways. That didn't happen. I've had some great job interviews with other employers that seemed like great places to work, but nothing has panned out so far.

In the last few weeks I had been really second-guessing myself for leaving my faculty position behind without more commitment that I would get a salaried position. This is, after all, what we're all told never to do. I was also focusing on the things I missed about my old career and all the things I'm not liking as much about my new job. I was feeling like a failure and a loser.

Racing this weekend helped me to reset a little. Somehow I gained some new perspective on the situation. Maybe the best thing I can do right now is to stay available until the right thing comes along. I have a paycheck, but I am not tied down to my position. I've learned a lot of new things and have met some great people.

Racing also helped me to remember that there is more to life than just work. I have worth no matter what I do for a living. I really am grateful that I can participate in triathlon. It lets me show that I am determined and focused and gets me out into the beautiful world. I love almost everything about my life, and eventually I'll get that last piece of the puzzle in place. I have a lot to offer, and someone will realize that.

Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point, each of us must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry us along safely. At this point, we learn to “go with the flow” — and it feels wonderful.

Once we have become accustomed to being in the flow of the river, we can begin to look ahead and guide our course onward, deciding where the course looks best, steering the way around boulders and snags, and choosing which of the many channels and branches of the river we prefer to follow, all the while still “going with the flow.”

This metaphor shows us how we can accept our lives here and now, flowing with what is, and at the same time guiding ourselves consciously toward our goals by taking responsibility for creating our own lives. 

-- Shakti Gawain, Creative Visualization

I'm going to let go for a while and see where that takes me, watching along the way for a better path.

The night before the race, after a great dinner with some fellow Athena athletes including the impressively accomplished Leslie Battle, (who won the Olympic-distance championship again yesterday), I did the traditional obsessive packing and repacking of the gear until I got into bed exhausted at 11 pm.

My kit matches the Biscay Green ENELL Sport perfectly!

I was sound asleep when my alarm went off at 4 a.m. I was a little crabby about eating a peanut-butter sandwich with a lukewarm bottle of water and crappy hotel-room coffee when I wanted to go back to bed.

I took the "God Light" in this photo as a sign that we would have a good race.

After this photo, I stowed my camera in my backpack and headed to the beach.  I was not taking this race as seriously as I usually do, but I still wanted to do my best. We missed our friend Angi's start and we had to start swimming ourselves before she got out of the water. Once I was out on the course, I was all on my own, other than the great support from all the volunteers and fellow racers.

I felt strong in the swim, but I knew it wasn't going to be my fastest time.  The water was cold but after I got used to it, fairly pleasant. It felt like there was more room to spread out than usual, so I didn't get kicked and swum over as much as I usually do in these races.

The swim course map

This guy greeted us at the end of the swim.

There were two brawny guys helping people out of the swim. They had to be exhausted at the end of the day. I really appreciated the lift as the steps were a little slippery. There was a fairly long run to transition, which was longer and narrower than most -- it was a tight squeeze for me to get by the athletes who were leaving with their bikes.

The long and narrow transition area.

There isn't much to say about the bike. As usual, my bike computer decided not to work, so I couldn't figure out how fast I was going or what my cadence was, so I just had to go by feel. I felt like I was going pretty slow -- I hit the 5 mile mark and was really disappointed that I wasn't further. I also felt like I got passed a lot. There was a headwind at times and a few steep hills. Then it felt like I was suddenly at the finish -- and because it was an Aquabike, I was done. My time stopped when I crossed the bike in mat, and I could take a leisurely mosey to the finish to run across the line, get a photo taken, and collect my medal.

I took dozens of selfies to get one I liked.

  I felt a little guilty being done while everyone else was still racing. I went to watch for my friends to come in on the bike. I didn't notice Rebecca until she was right at the finish because she had added a purple tank to her outfit, and then I lost her in the crowd. I got to see Angi come in on the bike and leave for her run. I went in search of Rebecca, couldn't find her, and so returned to take more medal selfies.

You can see my mint-and-white bike in this picture.

Rebecca wasn't as lucky as me -- they had run out of medals by the time she finished. All I can figure is that a lot of people switched from the Half to the Olympic at the last minute.  They apologized and were taking names and phone numbers to get them their medals later, but I know from experience how disappointing that is, so I loaned her my medal so she could make her finish Facebook Official.

Her first race of this distance! It's easy to underestimate the step up it is from a sprint.

Got Rebecca to take a picture of me in my ENELL gear. Note the excellent support...

We had a long time to wait for Angi. We packed up our stuff, changed clothes, and moved the car.
We were able to get some post-race food and check out the afterparty, which was already starting to wind down.  I found the results and was pleasantly surprised that I had hit 16.6 mph on the bike -- I thought I was going much slower.

The first 12 Aquabike finisher results.

I love these results printers.

 We even got to meet 1988 Olympic Racewalker Gary Morgan, who had brought the torch he carried in the Salt Lake City torch relay for the kids to see and take photos with.  I couldn't resist -- I knew I would never be this close to an Olympic torch again.

Totally staged medal photo. Then they realized they gave her the wrong medal...

With the proper Athena Nationals race medal

This was such an emotional day, plus a physically demanding one. It felt like an extra leg of the triathlon just to drive home, not to mention unloading the car. I was ready for bed at 9.

For the last few weeks I had been letting my as-yet-unsuccessful search for a permanent job get me down, but today I felt content. Permanent marker seems to have mood-lifting qualities. I went into work today, strategically wearing long sleeves and a long skirt to cover my numbers, but I still knew they were there.