I had a pretty good week going last week and then blew it in the last few days. I went over 8 or 9 points each day toward the end of my week, which doesn't make a tiny loss of 0.2 that surprising. At least it was a loss.

Part of the reason I got this blog is so I'd have a place to complain if I needed to. Right now, the thing that's making me crazy is that some guys seem to see every woman they see as a contestant on the "Would I F*ck Her?" game show. No fabulous prizes, no stunning sets, just the chance to get judged by someone you don't even know or like. Women who are politicians, professional athletes, scientists, funeral arrangement salespeople, eight-months-pregnant moms-to-be -- if you're a woman, you are eligible for this fantastic chance to be a) rejected by a loser, or b) be a loser's fantasy.

Remember all the fuss and anger over the stupid Diet Coke commercial with the shirtless guy? The game's not so fun for men when they're the contestants. I say that we invent cute phrases about guys' bodies that are just as flattering as "cankles" and "thunder thighs."

Grrrrrr. I got yelled at by some idiot college boy out his car window again, and that always gets me wound up. I should carry around a rock so I'd have something to chuck at them.

This has been a weird week. I have had very little trouble staying under my Weight Watchers points because food hasn't really been that big of a deal to me -- I am eating when I'm hungry and not when I'm not. Yesterday all I had for lunch was fruit and yogurt and it felt like enough. I just didn't want to bother with fixing anything else to eat.

Another reason was that I was going to see my doctor about some symptoms that were worrying me -- dry mouth, frequent urination. My family has a history of diabetes and with my brother-in-law's recent complications from it, I didn't want to fool around and ignore any possible symptoms, even though of course I worried that they'd think I was just being a hypochondriac. The doctor doesn't seem too concerned, and would want me to do the same kind of lifestyle modifications I'm working on anyway. I'm going for a fasting glucose test on Monday. They were happy that I was down 9 pounds since the last time I was there a year ago.

I have just felt so run-down and lethargic lately. I don't really feel like exercising at all and have skipped a couple of workouts -- swimming and Spinning, neither of which I really love anyway. There's so much extra STUFF with those workouts: special clothes, special time to be there, an instructor who's going to push me harder than I might want to go... I used to like those workouts but I'm just not feeling into it these days.

My sleep has been terrible too, I just don't want to stay in bed past 5:00 a.m., and I'm waking up frequently before that. All in all, I just feel off. But at least I should lose weight this week, as long as I don't blow it this weekend.

I am almost ashamed to admit that I can't watch NBC's "The Biggest Loser" without tearing up. That show plays me like a violin. It combines my favorite things: makeovers, weight loss, drama. Even the hokey things, like the cliffhanger at every commercial and the huge scales, work for me.

I am rooting for the guy from Washington with the huge Afro. He seems like a genuinely good guy and a lot of fun. Actually, I'm rooting for all of them, and all the ones who got sent home to try on their own to win their way back onto the show, and all the people watching at home who want to lose.

The only one I'm not rooting for is Kim, the new trainer. I think that they realize she won't play well with the audience because they seem to limit her on-camera time. I especially don't like the gratuitous cheesecake shots of her getting out of a pool in a red bikini.... They don't show Bob all oiled up in a Speedo, because the fans identify with him as a person, not a bimbo. I wish they had picked a woman trainer with a similar persona. My guess is some exec at NBC made the (bad) decision to go for a cute, perky blonde this time around.

I got the scale going back down again, despite my one-woman cheese festival on Sunday. Thanks to everyone who commented -- it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.

I am a little annoyed that my weigh-in success or failure seems to be mostly predicted by whether I'm able to go from breakfast to my meeting at noon without eating anything -- I am not sure how much of this "loss" should be attributed to actual fat removal and how much is just because I didn't have a mid-morning snack like I did last week.

The current Weight Watchers session ends December 5, which means I have ten more weeks -- I only have 11.4 pounds to goal, so if I get serious, I conceivably could be at goal by my birthday, which is a few days later. Of course we've got the holiday season in there, but it's still possible, right?

It sure would be a nice birthday present to myself...even maybe worthy of a combination Christmas/Birthday gift.

Sometimes the hardest thing the world is to pull out my journal and actually write down what I eat. It's not hard to go into the kitchen, look for food, find something I probably shouldn't have, take it out, and bring it into the living room and eat it front of the TV.

As I was thinking about writing this post,I realized I was at least a day behind in journaling. Of course, before I could write this. I had to pull the journal out and catch up. I did the best I could, but I think I might've forgotten a few things. And of course that's the attraction in not journaling, the ability to forget.

It's not that I had anything terrible really, it's just that I haven't been as careful as I should be to have the things I should have and not to have the things that shouldn't. I'm not binging exactly. I'm just not being careful.

I'm not sure why when I know that journaling works, and I know that not doing it doesn't work, that I keep doing the things that don't make sense. It is just too much trouble to journal, too much trouble to plan meals, too much trouble to cook the meals I plan, too much trouble to keep groceries in the house, too much trouble to clean up afterward.

In short I'm making excuses, and I'm not sure why really, because the stuff isn't that hard, doesn't need to be so hard, and I know the results are worth it. Maybe I'm not so sure that I'm worth it.

I was already pretty sure I'd see a gain this week, and then last night was a crazy night where we didn't get to eat until late. We ended up at the Olive Garden, not the best choice for a pre-weigh-in meal. I didn't go overboard, but still, not the best choice.

Anyway, I'm not really worried about it. I have a new Weight Watchers @ Work -- we have either 12 or 18 weeks, we're still not sure -- to take off that last bit and get to goal. I just can't let myself off the hook so easily and let a slip or two turn into a bad week again.

I must have jinxed myself with all that stuff about how easy it was getting to stay on plan, blah, blah, blah. Because for the second half of this week I just could not make myself journal, didn't get much exercise, in general felt like crap and ate too damn much. So here it is, Sunday night, and I know my weigh-in on Tuesday will be crappy. Oh well, I guess, just information. Missing the weigh-ins two weeks in a row hurt me, I think, made me lazy and complacent. Also, my routine was all messed up. I had another trip across the state on Friday. I had a lot going on yesterday and today. Lots of excuses but in the end it comes down to my old motto, "do you want excuses or do you want results?" I should have made myself do the things I need to do.

Tomorrow, even though it's the last day of my week, I'm journaling every bite, and I'm not going to get lazy like this again. Because honestly, I have felt tired and lousy all week, and I'm sure it's partly because I've eaten junk and not eaten my veggies and I haven't exercised much.

It ends here. I know what I need to do and I need to do it.

My leader didn't bring her scale to the open house. But I am feeling like this is all getting easier. I think that it is partly because I'm really starting to see that losing weight is not fundamentally connected to my worthiness as a human being, that it won't fix all my problems. It will fix one problem, not wearing the size clothes I want to wear. That's really it. I'm basically healthy, mobile, and fit, even if my weight doesn't fall into some kind of ideal BMI range. The only thing that really gets easier as I get thinner is eating less -- probably because my caloric needs are going down.

Mainly I have other, bigger things to worry about right now. Like my dissertation, the bills, and my messy house, just for starters. So I'm off to go deal with some of those things.

The Big Wedding was this weekend -- It was a happy occasion to see my sister married to a great guy who really loves her. I was a bridesmaid and got to get all dressed up, hair up, French manicure, the whole deal. People came up to me all night at the reception to tell me how good I looked (usually I'm a t-shirt and jeans girl and I wear my hair very natural) and one relative said something that really stuck with me, "You've really come into your own."

Now I know that's definitely an Oprah phrase, but I love Oprah. And if you think about it, it's a really great compliment. Coming into your own suggests that what you were looking for was waiting for you all along, like an inheritance you can't possess until you reach a certain age. It belonged to you all along, and you just had to be ready for it and claim it.


Unofficial weigh-in, but I had to post it since it's less than 10 pounds from goal, even after all the food and drinks this weekend. I may be weighing in tomorrow officially -- we have a Weight Watchers @ Work open house and I think that she'll let us weigh in even though it isn't an official meeting. If so, I'll post the official weight tomorrow.